I Told Myself, It’s All Good… It’s Only Chemical

Waking up to no meaning

I stare at the ceiling

Count the imperfections that

Surround my being

Can tell how I'm feeling

And it hurts more when you ask

There's a hole in my head and heart

But I'm a long way from the start

There's a hole in my head and heart

But I'm a long way from…

Back when I couldn't move, was frozen

I told myself, it's all good

It's only chemical

Danny introduced me to The Devil Wears Prada months ago, and even took me to one of their shows in Brooklyn back in October. There’s one song of theirs, in particular, that struck a chord with me. Ironically, while I watched them play Chemical live, I was having my own internal meltdown. I remember crawling into bed that night bursting into tears because the anxiety had gotten so bad that day.

As Danny reached over to hold me, I couldn’t explain to him why. There was nothing bad about my experience at the concert, if anything, hearing TDWP play Chemical onstage helped me. Keyboardist Jon Gering explained that this song is “about coming to terms with the idea that all of our feelings, good and bad, are just chemical reactions in our brains.” “It is both a bleak and hopeful way to to view the world, but at times it can help us to move forward."

I‘ve had my fair share of moments this year. I was overwhelmed. Anxiety-ridden. Tired. Angry. Unforgiving. Unrelenting. But I’m healing. Slowly, but surely, I’ve been trying to stitch myself back together. I don’t know if anyone really knows how broken I truly was when I entered 2020. The anxiety and despair had gotten so bad at one point. It was really fucking hard. 2020, without question, damaged my mental health in a way I had never felt before. But it was only chemical, right? I wasn’t going to live like this forever.

In 2021, I had to process a bad relationship I was in, and the effects of an ongoing global pandemic. Not to mention, the desecration of human rights, political crises, and environmental disasters we see day in and out. I didn’t set goals for 2021. I didn’t have the mental capacity to. I only wanted to get rid of the darkness that been plaguing me for so long. In so many ways, I’m glad 2020 is behind me.

2021 was the year I was on the mend, but I had a solid support system to help me along the way. I’ve had someone come into my life that has loved me so fiercely that I finally feel whole again. And, that’s where I’m at now. The demons are at bay, and I’m in a more stable mindset nowadays. I hope 2022 brings the same stability and clarity that this year brought. Cheers to self-healing and getting out of the toxicity.

I find comfort when they say

You can't sit and count the days

Until it ends

There's still times I want to break

Everything I've ever made

But I've come a long way from

I've come a long way from…

Back when I couldn't move 

Was frozen

I told myself it's all good

It's only chemical

I want to scream, but it won't help

I've created my own hell

And it's only chemical

Photo by Vutha