Staying and Letting Go

I found myself idling there for so long. I lost my self-worth and happiness in the process. I watched as I slowly disconnected myself from you. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know who I was without you. And so, I fought the inevitable. Sometimes, even when your heart says to let go, you still find yourself hanging on. Sometimes, for dear life. 

Relationships are far more complicated than one can truly comprehend. I always judged couples for staying in a relationship that had run its course. Stupid girl. How could I have judged people for something I never understood myself? I never understood until I found myself in the space of staying and letting go. Now, I know why you stayed. You wanted to at least try. You wanted to make it work. You didn’t want to be a quitter. You were running from your true emotions. You didn’t want to feel what you needed to feel. You were afraid of being alone. You didn’t want to lose your best friend. You didn’t want to normalize living without that other person. You didn’t want to go through the motions of breaking up that you were all too familiar with. You didn’t want to hurt the other person. You didn’t want to say the exact words because you knew it would make you sick to your stomach. You didn’t want to be sad. You didn’t want to cry. You didn’t want to accept that this person was never going to be the love of your life. You didn’t like the notion that you were still on this Earth without your other half, wondering why he couldn’t have been the person you so desperately wanted him to be. So you stayed in the toxicity just a little longer until it ate you alive. 

I didn’t look out for my own well being. I let myself get to the breakdown. A place of dismal darkness where my chest was constantly riddled with anxiety. I didn’t tell anyone. Not a soul. I didn’t want them to tell me what I had clearly already known for so long. You were never the one. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I had never wanted to tell you that I hadn’t missed you at all. Not even once those past 3 months. I knew our relationship was deteriorating, but you didn’t. I never said it out loud because if I had said it out loud, then it would have made everything I was feeling real. 

I felt horrible. I didn’t want to talk to you at all. You had become this burden to me. The excitement I had in seeing you every weekend was gone. The effort was no longer worth it to me. I didn’t fully grasp the multitude of emotions I was feeling, but I did realize that I wasn’t in love with you anymore. I didn’t want to say it to your face because I knew it would break you. You made me say it. I didn’t want to say it. That I didn’t care anymore. That I just didn’t care the way that I was suppose to in a relationship. That you had pushed me further and further to the place of letting go. And so, I let go. I am free now.