Can You Feel My Heart?

I feel like lately music and movies are the only things giving me any real sense of feeling in my heart. I’ve been hyped for Mother Mary and the Mandalorian and Grogu saga. I’ve been so excited about the Nine Inch Nails and Boy Noize collaboration, and I’ve had the new Korn song on repeat over and over again. And then there was this: me somehow finding “reasonable” tickets to see BMTH at MSG.

Fleeting

Cherry blossoms symbolize renewal and new beginnings, while also serving as a reminder of life’s impermanence. Their brief, fleeting bloom encourages us to cherish each moment, as their beauty and presence are temporary.

A Reminder

Halo

Do You Feel Love?

The mission of the day was to see if Prudential was going to piss me off or not, considering the Nine Inch Nails incident. We arrived 15 minutes before doors opened at 6 pm and got through in 5 minutes, even though I was patted down by security. *Rolls eyes.* I know I’m a fiery short bitch, but all I had was jewelry on, no weapons. So Prudential is still on my shit list, but they have a chance at redemption. I really hope I never have to go back there, though.

You Get Me Closer to God

What’s more romantic than seeing Nine Inch Nails on Valentine’s Day? This was another 2026 concert I questioned on whether I should spend my money on, and if I was making the best life decisions, as I had just seen NIN five months ago, but it was Valentine’s Day, and I don’t know if I’ll have another opportunity to see one of my favorite bands of all time. Ironically, Trent Reznor even said at a recent show that he doesn’t know if they’ll ever tour again. Hearing that only reinforced my reckless decision to be there.

Galentines!

I’m glad Valentine’s Day has become more than just a holiday for lovers. Not that it wasn’t before. My mom used to give my siblings and me Russell Stover’s chocolates every year, and we’d hand out those tiny Valentine’s cards to everyone in elementary school. I still love those little traditions today, even though I’m not a kid anymore. But lately, the holiday feels different.

The One Who Stayed

When you lose someone you love, your whole world shifts. The ground doesn’t feel as steady. Simple things suddenly feel heavy. Grief has a way of exposing every crack in you. And in the middle of all that, you learn very quickly who you’re anchored to.

Birthday Girl 💕

I left the house and actually did something for my birthday this year. Are you proud of me? Because you should be. I’ve been struggling to do anything “fun” for months now since my life was altered. But this year, I really wanted to celebrate and get out and do something. I don’t want to keep stopping myself from living because of my depression. And I don’t think Austin would want me to either. So I worked up the courage and told myself that this year, I was going to celebrate. I treated myself to a cute black dress, jewelry from Pandora and Regalrose (including two rings I’d been eyeing for a while from Danny), and black Tim Burton–esque winter nails to bring the whole look together.

38

Birthdays are just birthdays until one of them is a line drawn in the sand between the life you knew and the life you’re now forced to learn. 38 marks the beginning of living in a world without someone I love deeply. It’s the moment I stepped onto a path I never imagined I’d have to walk.

2026 Goals

Everything is Blue 🩵💙

Halsey really is that bitch. She came out with just herself and her band. No backup singers, no dancers, no outfit changes. Just her and the stage. What made it funny was that I’d been dying to see her live after all the fomo from people who went to her shows last year. That tour had all the glitz and glam… sets, costumes, dancers. Even Halsey called it the greatest pride of her career, like you just had to be there. So yeah. Thanks, girl, for twisting the knife even deeper.

I Miss the Old You

I’m frustrated with the state of things right now. Blogging feels like a dying art, but I refuse to let mine fade away. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads it. I still enjoy documenting my journey. I just can’t stand how everything now is all about TikTok, with its 60-second videos that offer no depth. It’s just a flash of someone’s life that’s barely personal. Most of the content is rants, investigations, exposes, comedy skits, or perfectly curated day-in-the-life reels. 

Where Are You Christmas?

I just didn’t want to take photos. Every part of me was telling me no. My body, my heart, my grief. I tried to convince myself, said it was something I should do, something normal, something I used to love. And that’s where the guilt creeps in. I feel guilty for forcing myself into something that once brought me so much joy before I lost my brother, because now that joy feels distant, almost unfamiliar. I don’t recognize it anymore.

I’ll Never Let Go

I don’t want to welcome the new year. Everyone describes New Year’s as a new beginning and a clean slate. But for me, there’s nothing “Happy” about it. I can’t stand the recaps of 2025, the highlight reels, or the “accomplishment” cakes. They make me feel sick, reminding me that 2025 was the worst year of my life. I don’t have a recap of 2025. I have nothing I want to reflect on. I rang in the New Year wrapped in my blankets, listening to my most-played songs, my survival playlist mostly made up of bands keeping me alive at the moment, just to ignore that 2025 had ended.