The More I Stay in Here, The More I Disappear

Back in December, I started to personally feel the effects of lockdown. Not being able to put makeup on, and wear a cute outfit on an adventure out somewhere started to weigh on me. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt basic and boring, working day in and day out at home. There’s no reason for me to paint myself up, brush my hair or wear anything, but biker shorts and leggings. I was losing my form of self-expression, and it began to depress me. 

People tend to link makeup to insecurity, when, in reality, it’s based in self expression and creativity for many people. Sure, my bare face is beautiful, but bare is boring… so, where’s the fun in that? My face is a canvas where I can strategically place color and dust copious amounts of glitter on until my little heart’s content. I miss that. I miss the simple act of smearing lipstick on my lips. Lipstick in itself is a form of expression for me. 

Even as the world tries to go back to normal, I still have moments where I feel stagnant. During photoshoots, I constantly think I’m a horrible model. I feel insecure all the time. Am I posing right? Did I curate the right outfit? Am I skinny enough for people? I’m in a rut when it comes to shooting ideas. I constantly think I’m failing at the very things that make me happy. Sometimes, I have to remind myself who I am producing content for. Is it for myself or are you just trying to impress everyone else?

Truth is, I feel uncreative and unmotivated during this pandemic along with the current political climate and the constant environmental disasters. Maybe, I’m just in this prolonged mental block as a whole. Even writing my thoughts down is a struggle. I feel focused and motivated to write in my notepad when I’m working, but of course, I have to attend to my work responsibilities. Once 5pm rolls around, I’m dead and my energy has been depleted. I can’t seem to spark the same flame again. Even simply reading a comic or finishing a TV show has been a daunting task for me to fulfill. It literally took me eight months just to watch all 10 episodes of Sabrina’s last season. There’s so much content I want to consume, but when I have free time, I just feel lost in this restless, unfocused mind of mine.

I know I’m not alone in this. It’s been an incredibly hard few years for a majority of people. I just want be able to enjoy simple things again. I’d love to just do things for me again, and not constantly feel like I’m living for other people. I’ve never been one to push myself to be “productive” on my days off. I always allowed myself to rest my mind, and recharge myself, but I want to be able to translate this chaotic mess of thoughts, whether it be through writing or my modeling, to some form of expression. I hate feeling like I’m slowly wasting away. 

Maybe, I’m asking too much of myself right now. The truth is though, I always feel like I’m drowning, constantly gasping for air. I feel overwhelmed not being able to produce and consume the content I want. I just wish I could relieve myself of these self-doubts and insecurities already. Of the stress and anxiety. The weariness and confusion. 

I guess I just wanted to write this blog to get my thoughts out and say I'm not always okay. I'm in this in-between phase where I feel like my life is finally falling into place, but I also feel like I've lost my way somewhere along the path. Yes, I am happy, but there are still aspects of my life where I am certainly not thriving. Most people just show a highlight reel of the good moments of their life on social media, and neglect to show that they struggle behind the scenes too. I think always portraying your life as perfect to an audience is toxic and unrealistic. I’m hoping I can start living outside my head, and put to rest the everlasting chaos and tension living inside me.

Photos by Vutha