Pity Party

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to 

Cry if I want to

I'll cry until the candles burn down this place

I'll cry until my pity party's in flames

I don’t really have anything profound to say about turning 36, but for once, I wasn’t depressed for January! I can never fully pinpoint where my “January blues” come from. It’s certainly not that January is cold, dark, and dreary. I’m a January baby. I’m just as stubborn and fierce as she is. I don’t think this month is as miserable as everyone says it is, but here I am depressed every time.

2023 started rocky for me as last year was particularly worse than usual. I had Christmas blues that went straight into anxiety and depression as we rang in the New Year. I didn’t want to go to Disney for my birthday although it was already booked. I was dreading it in the days leading up to my mini vacation. Yes, you read that correctly. I didn’t want to go to Disney. Nothing bad happened on this trip. It went quite well in terms of travel and weather. I got to do all the things I like to do when I’m at Disney, and I was with my favorite person, but I still didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to be home in my bed. I kept thinking of how sick I was of this place. Maybe I am. It’s been my only vacation destination since 2016, but I think it was also the depression talking. Underneath it all, it was not a good birthday.

This year, I was committed to not forcing myself to celebrate just for the sake of it being my birthday. If I did celebrate it, it was going to be something I wanted to do. Birthdays are not my vibe (Danny hates it when I say “It’s not the vibes” LOL). I don’t like cake that much and there’s very little to do in January because everyone HATES my birth month (even though some of the greatest people were born in January… you’re welcome). That meant no Disney for me this year. That meant me staying home and rearranging the furniture for a birthday photoshoot (I forget I can’t shoot outside because January is a frigid bitch.) That meant forcing Danny to put up the birthday decorations I bought off Amazon. That meant me painting glitter tears down my cheeks because “it’s my birthday and I can cry if I want to.” That meant a Michael Myers ice cream cake and a slice of carrot cake from Little Cupcake Bakeshop (the kinds of cake I DO like). That meant watching my birthday candles melt all over the birthday cake before we were done taking photos. That meant a cute pink bow bag from Danny with an adorable Darth Vader card (he gets me). That meant ordering Taco Bell from Uber Eats. That meant making Danny watch M3GAN for the second time that week.

I had been walking on eggshells the whole month leading up to my birthday thinking any little thing could put me into a depression. But God damn, I think I broke the barrier! I’m still wondering why I’m not sad and angry, wishing to burn everything down with my candle flames. Some people can’t fathom why someone would be so blue on their birthday. I mean, I don’t fucking know either. I probably need therapy. It’s like I’m depressed and leaving the house gives me massive anxiety, but thanks for not understanding. 😃 Imagine if people asked you how you were doing instead of wanting you to celebrate something while you’re depressed, but I digress.

Overall, my birthday was all right. I’m going to try to keep this momentum going. It’s like Russian roulette though. Will I be depressed for 2025? Stay tuned to find out! In all seriousness, I appreciate all my loved ones for still celebrating me despite my resistance and stubbornness. I’m sorry Aquarians are so crazy…