Be Your Own F*ckin’ Best Friend

 

For the first time since 2019, I finally feel like myself again. I’ve been struggling for quite some time now trying to feel good in my skin. It’s wild to me that 2019 was 5 years ago! Five whole years of desperately searching for that girl I knew and loved so much. Where did she go? Even for half of 2023, I was going through it. I hated the way I looked for my Vancouver and Alaskan trip. I look back and wish I had more photos of myself from this vacation. More ambition to capture the moment for myself to look back on, but I just couldn’t get it together. I couldn’t seem to do my makeup the way I used to. I was neglecting my skin. I was just sticking to my fake ponytails. It felt like I was trying to cosplay as myself, but I wasn’t successful at it.

I know, this all sounds like first-world problems. It’s the reason why I practice gratitude daily for all the things I’m lucky to have in my life and for all the setbacks and heartbreaks I haven’t had to experience thus far. However, it’s still soul-crushing to lose yourself and not regain your self-confidence back no matter what you try to do. Something seemed to click last summer during Barbie mania. Leave it to that blonde bitch to give me the inspiration I needed to escape the dark and dingy hole I was locked away in for so long. I don’t know where this slump came from or why it lasted so long, but once I decided I was going to focus on caring for myself, the self-doubt and disappointment vanished. Before, I had no real desire to put any time or energy into getting ready to go out. Once I started putting in the effort and carving out the time for myself, it was like Kayla had been reborn.

I credit this to Danny too. I’m both thankful and lucky he’s such a genius behind the camera. Shooting with Danny has brought back the spark in me. I feel more comfortable and confident in front of the camera again. It’s funny I never thought our little Sony camera would bring so much change into our lives. He’s more than just a photographer. He’s a sorcerer of sorts reviving me back from the dead. Injecting passion and creativity into me. I knew all along when I bought that camera that something magical was going to happen. Nothing is better than shooting with your partner in crime. I feel like myself. I’m in my skin. I’m safe. I had faith he’d somehow bring life back into me.

In the fall, I had the opportunity to shoot with Shawn again. It was during this shoot that I started to appreciate my brunette locks. I still struggle with hating myself with brown hair, but there is no real desire in me to be a blonde Barbie again. I don’t know why I still find myself in this purgatory between blonde and brunette. I don’t want to spend the time or money to be blonde (especially here in Brooklyn), but I also don’t feel like it would suit me in the current era of my life. I just hate this limbo I’ve been in where I don’t care to be blonde anymore, but I can’t seem to accept my natural hair color. I suspect it’s because I didn’t go back to brunette on my terms. My hair was falling out worse than it ever had before because of the damage. Ultimately, I was forced to go back to my natural hair color. I appreciate Shawn for always taking the time to shoot with me when he visits from across the pond. When I saw the photos from our shoot, I felt like I had emerged from the void finally. I loved the way I looked in my brunette hue!

I can be socially awkward in person. As a result of this awkwardness, I can pick up on when photographers aren’t that interested in shooting with me, which in turn makes me even more uncomfortable. I always appreciate the photographers I shoot with like Danny and Shawn that make me feel comfortable and secure while doing a photoshoot. I’ve been a victim of social anxiety for so long that I’ve come to learn that I need to put myself in a comfortable environment to ease my perturbation and allow myself to flourish in front of the lens. I’ve loved the photos we’ve been taking lately and I’m more motivated this year to do at least one shoot a month. Finally, I have a real desire to capture this year without any holes or gaps. I’m hoping to not lose sight of this despite the grief I’m experiencing and continue to ride this momentum. I’m currently battling the guilt of living my life as normal and going out on new adventures as if there isn’t this underlying sadness to me. I’m not running away from it… I’m just living with it. I have to realize both happiness and sadness can exist at the same time.

I’ve worked on being more gentle with myself, which I think is a factor in gaining back my long-lost confidence. Being kinder to yourself works wonders. I no longer look at the scale. I’ve stopped obsessing about if I look skinny enough. If I fall off track when it comes to being active, I keep my mind focused on the end goal and reassure myself that we will get back in the right direction. One quote has stood out to me above the rest: Workout because you love your body, not because you hate it. I feel like this can be applied to self-care in general. I’m taking care of myself because I LOVE myself. I’m putting on skincare every day. I’m researching new products to further take care of my body and hair. I found a nail technician close to home that I love. I discovered a good threading salon to keep my eyebrows the way I like them. I’m putting together cute outfits. I’m taking more photos of myself.

All I have to do is work on staying off social media. People on social media will have you conjuring up flaws you never thought you had before. Are my thighs really too thick? I’ve never had skinny legs in my teen and adult life, so why would I want smaller thighs now? I think they’re fine ultimately. Do I have cellulite? Yes. Do I really care at the end of the day? No, not really. What’s funny is I’ll stare at the mirror in my work out clothes and I’ll be completely fine with myself. But then I’ll go online, see someone talking bad about their body, and I’ll wonder… is there something wrong with me too? People will have you going crazy picking yourself apart. I hate everyone’s obsession with body image. I hate that we are slaves to the way we look. Can’t I just like my body for what it is? The vessel that has carried me through life. 36 years and my body is pretty damn strong. I’m beyond grateful for my body. I see people younger than me suffering from chronic illnesses and health issues all the time. I haven’t dealt with any major health issues as I approach my 40s, and I think that’s a true blessing. Sometimes, I just want to go on IG to look at cute Corgis. I’m not there to give myself a body complex. I’m still trying to wean myself off this generational addiction of restlessly doom scrolling. I’m basically wasting my time when I could be doing sometime more productive like reading or writing, but I know I can conquer this.

For 2024, I’m hoping I can ride the wave of this newly found self-love and continue to be my own fuckin' best friend. 💋