Renewed.

I told my lazy self that I would be more active this year, but I’m frustrated with the roadblocks I keep facing. I feel like the same cycle keeps playing out. I try to set a consistent workout routine, but it gets disrupted because I don’t feel well or busy work weeks intrude, causing me to log off feeling drained with little time to myself. I was hopeful to get a fresh start in March, but I started this month with a chest cold. My insane coughing started to subside by the time I was set to see Dune: Part Two in theaters. I bought two packs of cough drops with me and made sure to drink enough liquid during the movie to avert any disasters. Luckily, I didn’t suffer any coughing fits during the almost three-hour movie lol. By Monday, I felt as though I had gotten over my sickness with no long-term cough. However, one of my mysterious back pain episodes happened mid-week, lasting several days. It happened to me in January and February too. I’m wondering if I’m becoming more intolerant to “ bad” or greasy foods because it seems to be linked to how my stomach feels from what I ate last. Not that I’m eating bad foods all the time, but I think I’ll stick to the basics for a bit to hopefully avoid another episode. I know, I know I should go to a primary doctor to ask what this might be, but my anxiety doesn’t want to. Thankfully, I’m learning how to manage it better when it does happen so it's less bothersome.

I was complaining to Danny that I just wanted a weekend without feeling like my body was falling apart. I’m either sick or very tired. It’s budget season at my job, so my weeks have been long and work-heavy. I mentally prepare myself for this time of year, but it still surprises me how exhausted I am. I’ll have random days where I’m crashing at 9/10 pm. My body tells me to go to sleep, but I fight it off like a toddler because I’m trying to read comics, finish up my audible book, or make plans that Danny had no say in because he’s blissfully asleep and unaware. That’s why I don’t want to go out in January or February. I need the mental and physical break on the weekends that don’t involve people. I always feel like I don’t get to do all the little things I want to do after work on the weekdays because I’m a zombie after I log off my laptop. I hate how busy seasons not only interrupt my personal life but also my physical and mental well-being. Recently, I felt guilty for taking a PTO day to rest because I was so sick of work and my back pain was a nuisance. I hate that I’ve conditioned myself to think this way because I have such limited PTO days to work with. I ended up feeling like I wasted an entire day because I didn’t have anywhere planned to go. It’s either I need to be legitimately sick or productive with no in-between. The thing is I DO need time to myself sometimes, even if I don’t like the trade-off.

Thankfully, I was feeling better this past weekend to take a walk and take some photos to document March. In the morning, I got my brows threaded and it motivated me the rest of the day. I felt like a new person. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if you had thick, untamed brows like mine then you’d understand. I put on makeup in record time and picked out an outfit. I knew I wanted to wear my cloud sweater so I decided to pair it with my new Popflex outfits. They’ve been trying to bankrupt me with their pastel colors and ballet-like skorts. Last time I ordered entirely too many pieces from the buttercream collection. I couldn’t help it though - I love light yellow. The mesh bra with the pirouette tiered skort and mesh shrug are so cute together! To be honest I’m overwhelmed with how many pieces I have now from Popflex but I’ll have outfits to shoot for a while now. MAYBE I’ll stop buying clothes finally.

I wanted to be brunette that day, but it just wasn’t working out. I just hate how thin/fine my hair is. I’m trying to figure off how to work with it now that I don’t hate my natural hair color as much. I want to do cute styles, but it’s hard trying to incorporate extensions to create more volume with my hair being so thin. I also have an issue with accidentally putting too much hair product and my hair ends up looking too greasy when I am straightening my locks with the Shark FlexStyle. Creating more volume in my hair and reducing the amount of product I use seems to be my current learning curve. I’ve considered trying halo extensions as well to see if that works better for me. I just want to be a bow girlie. Is that too much to ask for?! What’s ironic is my hair is long now - near my butt. I may need a haircut this spring because surprisingly, it’s too long for my liking. I guess, I’m not used to this type of length. I don’t think my hair has grown like this since my early twenties. My hair finally seems healthy now that I haven’t been torturing it with bleach for the past five years. I have less fallout and more length, but now my hair will not curl lol. I haven’t figured out that issue either. I have a lot of research to do…

My default place to take photos in Brooklyn seems to be Dumbo because I don’t know where else to go and Danny isn’t helpful. “Nothing looks pretty over here.” LOL. Since my January shoot was more focused on the Brooklyn Bridge, I started over by the Manhattan Bridge this time. We got some great shots, despite Danny hating how the East River looks like piss water. LOL. I should start learning Photoshop soon so I can perhaps catfish civilians into thinking NY doesn’t look as dirty. I feel happier having gotten the chance to go outside and take some photos in a pretty outfit. It’s the little things in life, you know?

I’m hopeful for April. It’s spring now, so I’m excited for cute pastel outfits and to see all the flower blooms before summer depression sinks its sharp teeth into me. Danny will have to balance his time between flowers and Wrestling. I also bought a pink walking pad from Amazon, so I’m praying for flowers and this mini treadmill to keep me active.