Recently, I’ve been struggling with that same fleeting sense of time, trying to hold onto any shred of happiness. I try to make space for family while managing Danny’s schedule because the anxiety of leaving the house without him has become overwhelming. I worry about neglecting friendships and the pressure to spend time with others when my desire to be around people is quite low. At work, I sit through my annual review and hear all the ways I need to improve. I also try to be present for Danny, who is dealing with heavy situations of his own. Amid all this, I still make time to visit the flower blooms when I can, just to feel something other than dead inside.
All of this is layered on top of the mental, emotional, and physical toll of grief. The spiraling thoughts, anxiety, and existential dread are all so overwhelming. Like the cherry blossoms, everything feels like it’s moving too fast, slipping through my fingers before I can hold onto it.
How do I find hope in life when I feel like I am drowning every second of the day?
From January through March, I faced some of the most excruciating months since Austin’s passing. I kept avoiding going home to visit my family because I knew his ashes would be there, and I couldn’t face that weight again. The thought of it felt like another punch to the gut I wasn’t ready to take, even though I knew I eventually would. Home, which once felt grounding, started to feel charged with anxiety and grief, and I hated that change. I became so emotionally avoidant that even the anticipation of going back would sit in my body like daily dread.
This avoidance also brought a harder-to-explain feeling: a growing numbness. I feel like my inability to feel things the way I think I’m “supposed” to has made me meaner or just broken. I want to be excited for the people I love, to fully show up for their lives, but I can’t access that part of myself. It makes me question what kind of person I am. I don’t know if people talk enough about the anger and indifference that can follow loss. The way everything around you keeps moving while something inside you has paused. And I keep wondering if this is how it will always be, or if the numbness will soften over time.
At the same time, some relationships feel like they’ve quietly ended without any real closure, which I haven’t had the mental space to even begin processing. It often feels like I’ve been forced to put entire parts of my life on a back burner, not because I don’t care, but because I simply don’t have the capacity to hold it all. That disconnect makes me deeply sad. My life is changing in ways I didn’t ask for, and I keep thinking about whether I ever truly cherished certain moments before they slipped into the past.
And then there’s the constant fear that follows me everywhere now. Every phone call triggers panic, as if I’m bracing for the worst possible news. The thought of more loss feels almost unbearable, not just for me but also for those I love.
I know I am strong, but I don’t always want to be. I keep thinking about the cherry blossoms… how they return after winter, even after everything has fallen away. I just don’t know yet when or how my own life will start to bloom again.
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