Moral of the Story

Some mistakes get made

That’s alright, that’s okay

You can think that you’re in love 

When you’re really just in pain

Some mistakes get made 

That’s alright, that’s okay

In the end, it’s better for me

That’s the moral of the story, babe

- Ashe

Sometimes, you don’t realize how fucked up past relationships make you. I untangled myself from a relationship I knew was unhealthy for me, and as horrible as it felt, I’m proud of myself for doing what was necessary for my mental health. Being single again at 32 was a scary thought, but I was ready and okay with being on my own until I reconnected with someone I had known for 5 years already. 

If I were to have dreamt up my perfect guy, Danny would be it. It may sound completely insane, but I know, in my heart, that he’s the one. I can’t even begin to explain to you the strange feeling I had when we were together for the first time, and it had felt like we’d been together for months already. How was he so familiar to me? Everyday we are not together life seems to play out in slow motion until we are back together again.

What’s crazy is I had a chance with him all these years ago. I purposely pushed him away because I was focusing my energy on the wrong people at the time. As frustrating as it feels when I look back at my past, I don’t think I was ready to be with him just yet. Sometimes, being in a toxic relationship teaches you exactly how you want and do not want to be treated by someone. It makes it that much easier to know when you’re with the right person. I’m beyond lucky that 6 years later, we are here now. I was almost convinced he thought I was an asshole, and that he’d never give me the time of day again, but I was apparently VERY wrong. Somehow, the universe brought us back together, and to be honest, the Universe was probably super annoyed with me. It was like “you dumb bitch, this is your soulmate and you keep ruining it.” LOL. The stars have aligned for us, and everything has fell into place perfectly. As scared as I was initially, there was no way I was going to sabotage a potential relationship with him again. I wasn’t going to lose what could have been my only chance left.

He makes me feel love I’ve never felt before. He tells me everyday how special I am and how lucky he feels to have me. The way he takes care of me when we’re together makes me melt inside. I’m appreciative and grateful for everything he does and feels for me. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to have someone who loves you for you, and genuinely, misses you when you’re away. He makes me so excited about life. All the things I’ll get to do with him makes me burst with so much happiness. He made me feel at a time when I had felt nothing at all for so long.

I realize breaking the cycle of self-doubt developed from past relationships is hard though. I constantly think I’m not worthy of someone like Danny simply because I’m not used to unconditional love. Honestly, I never really knew what it was like for someone to love me for who I was. I didn’t know what it was like for someone to genuinely miss me when I was gone. I never had someone who was willing to go out of their way to make me happy. It’s sad that, in my mind, I can’t grasp that this is real because I was treated so poorly in the past. I’ve always known I deserved better these past 5 years, but I had a habit of making excuses for that person on so many occasions. I know I deserve to be happy, but I hate that I hear those tiny voices in my head saying that I don’t deserve better.

I hate that I still have to deal with the realization of my mistreatment from all these years. It baffles me how different relationships can be from one another, and how much of a lie you could be living in. All the things I told myself I didn’t need in my life were only unrealistic because the person I was in a relationship with wasn’t going to give me those things. I do care about stupid couple photos. I do want to show my partner off to the world. I do want to save every single card and note that’s ever been written to me. I do want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I DO want to get married. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life, and I feel so ashamed for staying with someone I knew wasn’t right for me. I knew my worth, and I knew what I deserved, but I still wanted someone to do things with and go places with even if they didn’t fully appreciate it. Even if that person didn’t really love me. It shouldn’t be like that. That’s not a real relationship. It was so obvious to me that this wasn’t the person I was meant to be with. I knew it for a very long time, but I still stayed.

I need to be more kind to myself. I cannot dwell on the mistakes I’ve made in my past, and consistently chastise myself for it. You are allowed to make mistakes in life. How else will you learn from your experiences if you don’t? The end result was better than I could have ever imagined. The most heartbreaking decisions you make in life can be tough and emotionally draining, but in the end, they are for the betterment of your mental health and overall life. Mistakes are okay, and necessary. I am not the only one who has stayed in an unhealthy relationship longer than they should have. We all have a difficult time letting go of relationships that were once important to us.

I’ve finally woken up from this bad dream, and now, I’m not alone in this new chapter of my life. Someone once said they had thought relationships were suppose to be challenging and that you had to fight to stay in them, when in actuality, relationships were very easy when you were with the right person. I know now, I’ve found my person.